Stuck Under a Cloud

I understand that people have limits. I don’t expect anyone to carry everything for me. What I don’t know how to reconcile is what repeated abandonment has taught me about myself: that when someone leaves, I don’t just lose them. I start questioning myself, too.

I’m stuck under clouds.

One cloud is whispering to me over & over, “How do you do it?” While I scream back, “Because I have to.” The other is whispering, “Do you feel alone?” While I scream back, “I’m trying not to.”

These clouds have been following me for awhile.

For Thanksgiving, I decided to fly my family to London to meet a group of people I met on the Internet who do acts of kindness. I’ll leave it that vague because that’s basically how my 5-year-old describes it to everyone & so someone asked me, “You have to go all the way to London for kindness?”

I’ve been sitting with that.

Yes. I do.

I don’t have family at my Thanksgiving table.

My biological family & I have been broken for a long time. I’ve given glimpses of my struggles in stories. Trying to admit how I hide that pain from my kids & friends. How I try to lie to myself & say, well, they’re there. But they’re not.

I’ve been hurt deeply. I set boundaries, but I’ve been gaslit, well attempted & pushed, to believe none of my memories are true, that I’m making it up, “being dramatic,” & I’m ungrateful. I sit in that pain, trying to constantly ask myself what is true.

So I created chosen family.

I found friends who I could say “this is hard” to, I felt safe. I felt I could share. I felt I could stop the intrusive, secretive thoughts of self-doubt & self-hatred because I had someone who would listen. But then I was told:

“Wow, that’s a lot.” too much.

“I’m not your therapist.” & I was led to believe I was a bad friend for oversharing.

“You’re just always sad.” & I started questioning whether they were right.

But I can fight that internally fight.

I am not always sad because I am not my depression. It is a part of me, but it is not all of me.

Maybe I don’t always see my sunshine. I’m sad you can’t either, but I have to believe it’s there.

No, you’re not my therapist. I thought we had each other when we needed it.

I’ve never not answered the phone for you. & I never, ever made it seem like I didn’t need happy memories together, with my excessive invites & love on my sleeve.

I have so much love to give.

& I give it fiercely. I know that’s true about me.

& yet I question so much. Am I a good person? What do I deserve?

I don’t dispute the fact that I talk a lot, I interrupt, I share openly, I ask questions… I wonder why any of that negates the fact that I have so much love to give.

I wonder. . . how, coming from such a broken family, & fighting so hard for authenticity, connection, & love, I still ended up in a place where I worry that nobody is truly there for me.

That if I’m not inviting you out, are you remembering me? Because I have, admittedly, a history of many people who have willingly ghosted me.

I wonder… why, just because I’m not for everyone, do I at times feel like I have no one.

If you’re actually reading this, know that when you write to strangers on the Internet, you can admit those things.

People ask me, “How do you do it?”

Because I had to.

When my besties disappeared, I had to move on as if I was lovable.

When my family called me names, I had to tell myself I was a good person.

When my body died & my health struggled, I had to tell myself, but I grew two amazing babies.

When my chosen family unchose me, I had to tell myself, I’m not really alone.

When my mom friends decided I wasn’t worth friendship, I had to tell myself, but I’m a good mom.

When my dad told me he’s dying, I had to tell myself, I am a part of A family.

I write this blog because I share so much the message you are not alone.

& yet I still have intrusive thoughts that it would be easier to leave before everything leaves me.

But as I write, I’m still here.

Because I have to be.

I know friendships end for all kinds of reasons. I know people have their own limits, their own lives, and their own capacity. I’m not writing this to argue that anyone owed me unlimited access to them. I’m writing about what repeated rejection does to the person left behind.

“How do you do it?”

If you need someone to talk to right now

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988, or use online chat. Free, confidential, and available 24/7. You do not have to be suicidal to reach out—you can contact 988 because you’re overwhelmed, depressed, lonely, or simply need someone to talk to.
988 Lifeline

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741 for free, confidential, 24/7 support from a trained volunteer Crisis Counselor.
Crisis Text Line

If you’re struggling as a mom

National Maternal Mental Health Hotline
Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). Free, confidential, 24/7 support for pregnant and postpartum women, with interpreters available in 60 languages.

Postpartum Support International (PSI)
Call 1-800-944-4773 or text HELP to 800-944-4773 in English. Spanish: text 971-203-7773. PSI provides support, information, referrals, and peer-support resources for perinatal mental health, including pregnancy, postpartum, and post-loss experiences. Their HelpLine is not an emergency crisis line.
Postpartum Support International

If you don’t know what kind of help you need

SAMHSA National Helpline
Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, confidential, 24/7 information and treatment referrals for mental health and/or substance-use concerns. You can also text your ZIP code to 435748 (HELP4U) to find local resources.
SAMHSA National Helpline