“Types of Clouds”: What Depression Really Feels Like

Many people who experience mental health issues, including myself, often find it hard to talk about it or feel they cannot express what they are going through. For me, this is because trying to explain something that often does not even make sense in my own mind to someone else brings up feelings of shame or failure. 

The cloud analogy exemplifies this. It’s difficult to explain why, on such a sunny, wonderful day without a clear cause or effect, a cloud can appear.

Just as there are different types of clouds, I have different versions of what depression feels like. I could be in one place, smiling in the moment, and it’s all just teeth. How do I explain it’s not just staying under the covers feeling sad. It can feel like emptiness in activities I actually love. It can interfere with my daily life. It is not something I can simply snap out of or overcome by deciding to be happy, because I can be present and still be in it at the same time. It can last for hours, days, weeks, or even longer, and bring with it a wide variety of symptoms.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) lists the following as symptoms of depression. Here is how I experience them personally:

• Feeling sad or anxious often or all the time
  • Check! 
• Not wanting to do activities that used to be fun
  • I often lose focus when reading, yet I tend to overfocus on working out or managing my kids’ plans. People will pitch ideas, and I’ll turn them down or make excuses to be unavailable.
• Feeling irritable, easily frustrated, or restless
  • I find it hard to sit still because of guilt. To cope, I create lists and push myself to be productive to feel worthwhile.
• Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
  • Well, I have two kids, so if this is a symptom of depression or just parenting, I can’t decide.
• Waking up too early or sleeping too much
  • Same answer as above.
• Eating more or less than usual or having no appetite
  • My eating disorder is a whole different story and will deserve its own blog post when I’m ready.
• Experiencing aches, pains, headaches, or stomach problems that do not improve with treatment
  • I’m going to chalk this one up to Hashiomoto’s.
• Having trouble concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions
  • Brain fog is actually more connected to my Hashimoto’s, and it can be frustrating to feel lost.
• Feeling tired, even after sleeping well
  • See above.
• Feeling guilty, worthless, or helpless
  • Oh, the guilt. I will constantly ask, “Is this okay?” and repeate apologies. Do you ever wonder why I present you with too many options or change plans frequently? This comes from a place inside me that worries my decisions are not what you want and fears what you might feel.
• Thinking about suicide or hurting yourself
  • Luckily, I have always had something to ground me, so I have never felt truly that low. However, I have known I did not want to live like this. I sought therapy to ‘fix’ myself, but instead I learned to approach myself with gentleness and kindness. I came to understand that depression is not who I am, but something I live with.

Matt Haig’s words resonate with me deeply:

“And know that, however wet you get, you are not the rain. You are not the bad feelings in your head. You are the person experiencing the storm.”

Throughout my experiences with depression, I have noticed that my symptoms are rarely the same. They shift and evolve, reflecting the unique challenges of each moment in life.

Within this, I have learned to grow. I am not an expert on the topic; my words here come from openness, grounded in lived experience. I believe that when we speak about recovery out loud, we help prevent others from suffering in silence.

I know the people in my life try to help in the ways they believe are best. Over the years, I’ve shared Brené Brown’s powerful video on empathy to help explain that what I need most is understanding, not solutions. I’ve even sent my husband links with gentle guidance, like asking in difficult moments, “Do you need a solution or comfort?” Even then, it’s still a challenge because depression is a challenge.

It distorts thought patterns and dulls the joy we once recognized, even in the presence of love and support. Sometimes, even when I feel deeply loved and seen, it is still hard to re-engage with enjoyment or connection.

So I’ve learned that checking in regularly is an act of love. It’s a language all its own, the quiet moment where we ask, “Is today sunny or cloudy?” and then listen. In that question, we can create space for peace, for recovery, and for being held, however the weather feels inside.

Just as our emotional weather can vary, so too do the clouds in the sky. There are ten main types of clouds: classified by their altitude into high, middle, and low levels (each with its own shape, weight, and way of moving through the atmosphere).

They can paint brilliant patterns or cast dull, heavy shadows. Some are fair-weather visitors, arriving in the morning and fading by night. Others are gray and featureless, bringing a quiet drizzle and an unshakable heaviness. They show up when the sky is fragile, and even when it’s bright. Some feel like mistakes; others are the result of clear causes and effects. Some are rare, others daily. Some pass through unnoticed, while others change the day entirely.

With all that power, try to check in with your loved ones about their clouds.