“Excuse me everyone!” Clap::Clap

In a previous blog post, I shared my thoughts on daydreaming, & writing my Oscar Speech. At the end of my share, I included my speech:

“We so often hear how dreams float among the stars. We so often daydream among the clouds in sunlight.
Here I am holding a dream build from clouds into a star-filled moment.

I never expected to shine for something that once made me feel so broken. I’m setting aside imposter syndrome & feeling proud.

I’m grateful for everyone who believed in me & supported me. The warmth of my husband, friends, & chosen family. The sunshine Alma & Max create. & the help from organizations & resources who know ‘talking mental health is cool.”

Most of all, I’m grateful for the part of me that fights through the clouds. The part of my brain that pushes through all the cloudy moments.” TBD what’s next.”

What Happened Next

This weekend, we held a party to launch the hardcover version of Mom’s Cloud and the Beach Adventure.

Originally, when we took pre-orders, I told Matt, I guess we could just deliver them as we meet up with people. Then I decided, I wanted a big launch party to celebrate. My whole life is themed parties & the launch of my book should get one too. (first self-love ⭐)

Insert a few moments of self-doubt. This isn’t a “typical” book, should I have a “typical” party?

(second self-love ⭐) Yes, I am not typical, I’m weird, different, & amazing.

I want a party!

We decided to partnership with a local bar- we debated where to go: a local favorite, where I host book club & we do trivia, or one known to offer brew your own packages, & had hosted us in the past. We ultimately decided, let’s return to the setting our previous parties. We already had two posters, with the kid’s faces & a clever beer name, from our New Parents Celebration parties, & we thought why not add a third one for our ‘book baby’. Plus, I really wanted a Black IPA- Mom’s Beer & the Beach Adventure.

I reached out:

Long story short- the bar shafted us.

The didn’t block off a designated area, they double booked us with live music, & the ultimately…a week before the event…once they realized the headcount (I had been reminding them & updating for months) they asked us have everyone, including ourselves, to leave their kids at home.

So we pivoted. This launch was meant to be a celebration for families & mental health. The “confusion” wasn’t just logistical, it really shattered the warming feeling of why we were gathering. I didn’t expect them to roll out a red carpet, place book orders, but at least kindness & holding space (literally).

I’m sharing the T because, I’m extremely proud of myself for pivoting one week before the event. (third self-love ⭐)

When I emailed, checking in, I inquired about the space, the double booking of the music, & confirmed the headcount I had been mentioning every update. I was told basically, “well it is what it is”. . . but that wasn’t what I asked for. I advocated for myself. (fourth self-love ⭐) & I was yelled at. I stood my ground, I erased from my response every, “I’m sorry, but”-“I apologize.”-“I appreciate you did”. I said calmly, “You are mistaken, in your last email you did not ‘bend over backwards for us, you….” & when I was majorly insulted in the final response, I left that shit on read! (fifth self-love ⭐).

During the whole exchange, I asked Matt once, “would it be too hard to make this change?” but before he could answer, fueled by gold stars (& a bit of rage)- I answered myself, “I don’t want to go there. I know what I asked for. I know what I’m bringing them in community & business support. I’m not staying there because it’s easier.”

I don’t want to spoil my speech. . .

but knowing in my head what I had been practicing, I told myself I didn’t have to people please them, I didn’t have to save bridges not worth walking over, I could burn them down. (six self-love ⭐) (burn the bridge friendship with the bar not the bar, this does not indicate me in any future hardship that befalls the bar)

When we told everyone, I joked, “We’re changing locations & I’m handling it super well!” They were so excited, they loved our pivot choice so much more. & I did too! Thank you Crooked Crab Brewery, Odenton, MD!

Our new location, not only embraced all of the requests from my above list, but they posted multiple event fliers on their social medias, promoting the greater community to come see us.

Yes, I sloppy cried when each post popped up on my feed. & when every friend invited a friend. & when it all came together.

I made a speech. (seventh self-love ⭐)

“Most people who were in the room have known me a fair amount of time. & I’m so happy they know me as loud, very talkative, & the party planner, for everyone to come together. I’m very happy that is how they knows me.

It has been very scary to share all of the parts of myself behind that.

I asked my husband, if we write a book, if we do this, I’m going to share a lot of our lives, & he reminded me I needed that help on a cloudy day- & we wanted to reach everyone out there.

& I know everyone in that room would be there if I asked them, but cloudy days don’t tell let you ask. So seeing everyone who came out, knowing they see both sides- sunny & cloudy- & they’re still there. . . I will still have cloudy days, but they won’t be as dark. ” (bonus self-love ⭐ for not crying)

I did a podcast.

We talked about the reality of asking for help.

I acknowledged, I am lucky.

I have a husband who shows up for me. I know which friend I can call at 2 a.m.
I am strong enough to text 988 if I don’t want to wake anyone.

My success is recognizing when the clouds roll in & talking about them.

Not “just being happy.” Not “just remembering the sunny days.” Not for ‘fixing myself’.

For a long time, only a small circle saw that success. A few trusted people. Strangers in support groups. Quiet threads. Spaces outside my everyday world. My daily success & struggle conversations.

I continued for so long feeling stuck in the shade at the beach, where it was only over me. Invisible to everyone else. & part of me believed that if I kept it invisible, more people could enjoy the sunshine around me. As if my shade was contagious. As if naming it would dim the day for everyone else.

& until I created this book, I didn’t fully see that others at the beach might have been learning how to play in ways I needed, too.

Now, I see the beach is full. (yeah, I’ll take a self-love ⭐ for this)

Still, I know this: not everyone feels that lucky. Not everyone feels they can ask for help. Shame steals their voice. Fear gets loud. Darkness closes in.

& if that’s you, I hope you are here reading this, because I’ve had to remind myself of it, too:

There is a room that cares.
Even when you think nobody is going to RSVP.
Even when you don’t know how to ask.

You may feel alone, but you are not the only one carrying a cloud.

The reason this blog exists — the reason this platform exists — the reason this book exists — is to create a place where you can say, “I’m not okay.”

Where you can admit your day is cloudy.

Where someone will meet you there.

If that someone is only me, that’s enough to start, because when you’re ready, I will plan for your unique, different, & beautiful launch into your most authentic self, clouds & all.

Cloudy Day?

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988
Chat via 988lifeline.org
Free, confidential, 24/7 support for emotional distress, crisis, or just needing someone to talk to.

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741
24/7 text-based crisis support.

If reaching out to a hotline feels overwhelming, you can email me at cloudydaychronicles@gmail.com.

I am not a licensed therapist & cannot provide crisis care, but I can be a steady, gentle presence, someone who will help you find & contact the right support so you don’t feel alone while you do.