Left on Read: Learning to Let Go of One-Sided Relationships

What was the term before ghosting?

I googled it: “Let’s catch up soon.”

6to1- fade to black.

I can’t pinpoint exactly what I want to call it, but there is certainly a very valid emotional feeling when adult friendships dissolve.

As adults, we are truly busy.

& sometimes it’s not even busy in a manageable way.

Our priorities shift. Our time is precious. Our social battery is impacted. & a simple “hey, how are you?” feels like one more thing you don’t have capacity for.

I get that now more than I ever did before.

But as the extrovert, I genuinely like checking in on people, hearing what’s new, rotating the groups, and maintaining relationships.

For years, I had this habit of scrolling through my contacts & thinking, “Wow, we haven’t seen then in awhile.”

Then I’d send a text, “Hey, it’s been awhile, what’s your schedule look like.”

& I was so focused on people pleasing. On ‘making sure they know I’m here’, I didn’t really see (or believe) when their emotional bandwidth for me wasn’t there.

With some, we’d put a date on the calendar, we’d try. Maybe it would happen, maybe life would get in the way. . . but we’d be authentic & honest about it. There would be a difference between our friendship changing, but we’re trying & really having my eyes opened to someone’s lack of effort.

Because, with others, I started noticing something.

More often then not, I was the only one trying. I generally felt conflicted, am I missing something- am I not taking a hint- or are we really this busy?

Do you know how many times I authentically, with all of my heart asked, ‘hey you seem super swamped, if you need babysitting, support, etc. I’m here for you.‘ Only to later question, maybe it’s not that- maybe it’s me-

I opened up to my husband about it. Asking him maybe it’s they generally don’t care about me. & it was a hard truth to try to face.

He validated my feelings.

“If you’re the only one trying, eventually it stops feeling like a friendship & starts feeling like work.”

So, I started thing a lot about the word- ghosting.

Because if an interaction depends on one person keeping it alive, you have to acknowledge what’s happening. Ghosting is intended as a clean break, but I rarely think of it as clean. It just transfers all the emotional labor onto the person who notices first. & it brings out a spiral: “why don’t they….” “what’s wrong with….” “did I do something?”

People get busy. People change. Priorities shift.

Pause.

I’ll admit, I genuinely forget to text back. I make excuses sometimes. I think, “I really need to make time for them“, then let months go by. & I’ve brought this to therapy as the idea different friendships serve different purposes in my life.

I have:

• my see-you-more-in-the-summer friends: volleyball, parks, races, & random outdoor hiking
• see-you-when-I-need to sit & talk friends
• ‘up for anything’ friends
• friends in similar stages of parenting
• friends who aren’t parents
• drinkers & non-drinkers

Like everyone else, I’m constantly balancing what I need, what my schedule allows, & who I have the capacity to show up for.

But I seem them like we see seasons- we know our bandwidth is stretched, good intentions don’t turn into actions, & there’s no avoidance.

Authenticity & Honesty.

I did some therapeutic cleaning.

I deleted a few numbers.

I wish those people the best.

But every time I’d scroll past their names, I’d feel something.

Disappointment. Guilt. Hope. Multiple truths at the same time.

Most people aren’t disappearing to be cruel. Most people don’t make room.

But my ‘self’ shouldn’t be analyzed in their silence.

So, I put up the surrender flag.

Even if ghosting comes from overwhelm, avoidance, or dislike, it still lands on someone. & more often than not, it lands inward, we turn it into a story about ourselves.

What did I do? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I enough?

When we notice we’re the ones reaching out, we start to realize something has shifted. & ideally, that shift would be named, spoken, acknowledged, & ended with honesty. But we also have to hold two truths at once: self-love, & the honesty that sometimes silence isn’t about us at all… even when it still feels like it is.

I won’t lie & say there isn’t a bitterness in that.

But, I’m making room for the people here now & myself.

I’m giving up friendships that require time worrying about a lack of response, tie my worth on your ability to schedule, & require me to chase what isn’t mutual.

I wanted to acknowledge:

-it’s hard never getting an explanation,

-it’s harder to sit around waiting,

-it’s not worth our time.

Remind yourself: you are worth the mutual effort.