Conversations I Can’t Have

There are conversations I can’t have.

Not because they don’t matter. Or not because I haven’t tried. 

But because not every person or every space is understanding. 

So I carry the conversations in my head. They take up space. They sit with me.

They create clouds.

Those clouds feel like they cover everything. Like my life is made up of hard moments, difficult updates, frustration, & things I wish had gone differently.

But I remind myself: even with the clouds, this is still the best chapter of my life.

How’s Work?

I can’t have conversations about what it feels like to step into a role knowing my worth, & then realize the environment isn’t receptive.

I accepted a position based on my background, my experience, & my passion to make a difference. I advocated for myself. Heck, I even negotiated a high salary because I knew the value I brought to the table. I walked in with expertise, excitement, & a desire to grow.

But I was met with resistance to change, limited support, & and challenges that slowly dimmed my confidence. 

I spent two years shrinking myself, double guessing choices, but now I’ve been able to recognize that I can set boundaries. I can choose myself. I can step away & create space for my own sunshine to return. 

So…yay FMLA.

It was one of the strangest things I’ve ever asked for: a mental health leave.

When my therapist & I completed the paperwork, she saw it as a cry for help. Did I need inpatient care? More therapy sessions? More intervention?

I saw it as a cry for me. Time for myself to reconnect without having to constantly push through.

While my professional career is… what it is right now, my volunteer work has filled my cup in ways I never expected.

As a Community Lead with Drop Dead Generous, I’ve been surrounded by kindness, generosity, & people from around the world who remind me why I care so deeply about community.

Every new grantee I’ve been able to meet…oh gosh how do I even describe the joy they bring?! My family & I read their stories together, celebrating the incredible things people are doing, and then asking ourselves, How can we create a little more of that magic ourselves?

& while I feel guilty & downhearted in my career, it pays the bills, so we can go support the world

How are the kids?

I can’t have conversations about parenting.

So much of parenting has been a learning curve, learning how to recognize patterns of trauma, acknowledge the broken pieces I carried, & begin repairing myself so I could become the mother I wanted to be. Learning how to raise children, I went into parenting listening for instructions, looking for the “right” way to do things. 

But I’ve grown to realize there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Behind every parenting decision is a child, a family, & a unique story.

What works for one child may not work for another. What you used to do may look different now. What one family prioritizes may look different from another.

For us, we focus on connection, creativity, & creating a home where our children feel safe being exactly who they are.

We are learning who our children are, not just who the world tells us they should be.

I am not a perfect parent. I don’t always get it right. But I am intentional about knowing my children, listening to them, & creating a foundation rooted in love, curiosity, & connection.

Recently, the kids & I watched a video about kindness from John Sweeney & Soul Biographies. As we watched, Alma quietly whispered to herself, “I am kind.”

Later that month, attending roller derby, we decided to do an act of kindness, offering free Polaroid photos, inspired by Drop Dead Generous grantee #340 Matthew-

She asked me if I could walk a little bit behind her so she could ask if they want a photo, “I want to try not to be shy.”

So I followed a few steps behind as she walked up to complete strangers asking, “Can I give you an act of kindness?”

Watching her smile as she handed people their photos, I felt this overwhelming sense of, I did this.

How’s life?

I can’t have conversations about friendships.

I recently saw a post that said we live in a generation where we cancel, ghost, delete, & disappear, but nobody is staying around to just have the uncomfortable conversations that could bring understanding.

That’s been a big part of my evolution.

I’ve spent too much time wondering what I did wrong when sometimes the only answer is silence.

I’ve learned to stop chasing polite small talk when it isn’t met with the same effort in return.

I’ve learned not to chase closure, but to invest in the people who choose to stay & in myself.

Did we make plans this month? Did I send you a card in the mail? Did I check in just because I was thinking about you?

If the answer is yes, thank you for choosing me, too.

If the answer is no, it’s probably because I’ve stopped chasing relationships that require me to do all the running.

How’s your health?

I can’t have conversations about my body because I barely recognize myself.

I went from being an adventurous foodie to navigating FODMAP restrictions, hormone imbalances, & constant flare-ups.

I went from celebrating what my body could do, growing & carrying my children, to grieving the ways it has changed & the limits it sometimes places on my life with them.

I’m still learning to love it. But I can struggle & still show up.

Yesterday, I ate out. Today, I’m eating pudding.

I am slowly reducing the intense morning cardio workouts that once felt like something I had to do.

There are so many conversations I can’t have.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying.

Sometimes clouds come because things don’t go the way I hoped.

Sometimes they come because growth asks me to sit with things I’d rather avoid.

But my awareness is a strength.

My willingness to reflect is a strength.

My choice to keep trying is a strength.

My sunshine will find its way back.

Because I can’t always have these conversations…

I can write them.

& now the cloud feels a little lighter.