A Conversation Had: Unlocking Some Insights

On my journey to find resources for my book, I met someone who didn’t know my story.

They hadn’t heard the usual lines I share on podcasts or in interviews.

They had no concept of where my book came from, where my motherhood came from, or what my full ‘about me was’.

So when those pieces came up, they just listened—curious & asked new questions.

One of the questions I was asked was simply, “But why?” (I’ll leave that completely out of context, haha). My answer…

Why.

I’m so often tell a story of strength: learning that the cloud I carry is only a part of me, not the whole, & that I have so much more to give.

On podcasts, I framed my story as one of resilience, using measured (brief) words to describe what I’ve overcome—depression, bullying, trauma.

But in this conversation, I stopped sugarcoating.

I said more.

I let the depth of my experience come through.

Reminder: the short repeated version.

I never wanted children, I had them, & I still struggle-

Extended.

I explained he push & pull between love & doubt. I traced back to foundational trauma shaping how I saw myself in the world.

Love & Brokenness.

Even in the midst of love, I’ve experienced a weight of brokenness—a mix of tenderness & scars- that shaped who I am.

-Behind acts of love, I’ve been called ungrateful-for something as simple as saying whether I liked or didn’t like something

-Behind “how are you?” pleasantries, I’ve been told I’m needy-for asking for support or help

-Behind hugs, I’ve been pushed away-for being “fat,” “too talkative,” “too much,” or “too weird.”

-Behind encouragement to be strong & independent, I’ve been called a monster-for simply speaking up

-Behind smiles of “friendship”, I’ve been mocked, used, or whispered about—for entertainment as a story instead of a person.

Over time, the voices of narcissistic, controlling, & pseudo-supportive figures grew louder than the positive ones.

I began to believe the positives were merely politeness, while the negatives were the truth.

I didn’t see their behavior for what it was; I saw it as proof that I was the problem.

I began to believe I could only exist if I proved my value—if I impressed, if I molded myself into what others wanted.

(& if that was true, how could I ever make a family? Was I even worth holding onto?)

The shift.

Then I found a core crew—people who cheered me on without conditions. They offered encouragement & support with no hidden negativity. Suddenly, I could imagine myself differently.

-Maybe I wasn’t the worst.

-Maybe I could be messy & flawed.

-Maybe I am tragic, but I’m alive.

I saw myself in a new light-not every day, & certainly not “fixed” or “solved”-but more fully myself than I ever had before.

& that’s what I shared (& maybe even just realized) in the entirety of the conversation.

The identity of Mom.

This journey wasn’t just about finding strength.

I’ve always had strength, because I’m still here.

It was about finding permission—permission to be an identity I secretly wanted all along.

I want this part of my life (Mom, Friend, Merriment Maker, Author) to be my whole world.

I created a chosen family. I created my own family. & in doing both, I left the old me behind & fully embraced a self I am ready to share.

I come with clouds.

Yes, but on other days I bring fierce sunshine—a kind of sunshine born from knowing darkness, one I can use to spread joy.

& I’ve learned that many don’t always like this honesty, “happiness can be intertwined with struggles,” yet I feel compelled to say it, because some are still sitting in their own darkness, being fed a narrative they haven’t yet broken.

read the sugar coated-

https://cloudydaychronicles.org/wp-admin/post.php?post=63&action=edit